do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
