I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
