I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize