official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize