Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
