i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
