She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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