I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
