I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
