No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
