It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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