I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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