He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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