Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
