i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
