Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
