A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
