So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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