I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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