Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
