The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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