she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
