why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
