My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the day after is always just damage control
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
