After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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