Taylor Swift is so right about you.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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