I got chris browned last night
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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