Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
