So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
