Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
