one two three fourrrrnication!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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