I just saw a hot homeless man
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
