Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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