i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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