her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
