it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
