Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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