She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
