then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
