four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I party with great urgency now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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