I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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