Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
