Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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