I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize