I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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