I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
