I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
