Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
