I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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