I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
