no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
