I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
