Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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