oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
