why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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