Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
