Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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